Forum - Banjo Ben Clark

Sunday funny

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CHURCH “INTIMATIONS” ?

You will have heard of the mistakes people make in filling Insurance Claim forms, Well we now have ‘something similar’ from Church Intimations!

  1. The bible class will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet
    in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is
    invited to attend this tragedy.

  2. Low Self Esteem Self-Help Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
    Please use the back door.

  3. The minister will preach his farewell message, after which
    the choir will sing , "Break Forth Into Joy."

  1. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
    community.

  2. Thursday night ‘Pot luck’ Supper. Prayer and medication to
    follow.

  3. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
    birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. A……

  4. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
    hall. Music will follow .

  5. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
    “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir
    practice.

  6. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Church Hall.
    Please use large double door at the side entrance.

  7. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
    enjoys sinning to join the choir.

  8. Our next song is " Angels We Have Heard Get High ."

  9. Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help .

  10. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of
    the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
    congregation will join in.

14 Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration of
some older ones.

  1. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new giving
    campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours .”

  2. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

  3. During the absence of our minister, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon from Rev J.F. Stubbs.

  4. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

  5. Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Smith sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

  6. While the Minister is on holiday, massages can be given to the church secretary

  7. The Minister would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

  8. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

  9. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister.

  10. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

  11. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

  12. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

  13. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility .

  14. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin .

  15. "Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands."

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LOVE THEM ALL!!! :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::thinking::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can perhaps see why America have not adopted it:

A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometres.
Put your best 0.3 of a metre forward.
Spare the 5.03 metres and spoil the child.
28 grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 litres of pickled peppers.

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Doesn’t get better than this!

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:joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy::joy:
Those are all hilarious! I’ve seen all the church bulletins before, (and more) but there still so funny :joy: I’ve been meaning to upload some memes here, but can’t remember which :thinking::roll_eyes:

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Omw, that’s hilarious :joy::joy::joy:

Having been a church bassist earlier this year, I can verify the truth of this link. I made several mistakes playing, and I’m pretty sure no one ever noticed. I don’t know if anyone knows there’s even a bassist except other bassists :joy::joy:

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Don’t worry, you were heard. I was running sound earlier this year. A lead guitar type of player filled in on bass. He spent 80% of the day noodling from about the 12th fret up. I heard lots of comments. A good, solid bassist is underappreciated. They are seldom discussed until they are not there.

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Truer words were never spoken. You don’t even notice the good bass players because they’re the ones keeping everything else together. There’s a reason it’s a good idea to lay down the bass track first when you’re doing multi track recording.

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Biblical Humor - is a wonderful thing when done creatively and tastefully (not disrespectfully).

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I gotta believe there has been sooo many more jokes at Noah’s expense SINCE the flood than BEFORE the flood (when people called him crazy for building the Ark)!

Poor Noah!

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If this don’t make you giggle…

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Somewhere there’s some video of me playing that song at @BanjoBen’s camp.

Ben, was your videographer’s work ever recovered, or is that long gone?

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humour

"Ode to the Spell Checker! "

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten…”

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, “Your wish is granted”, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does…) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can’t believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it’s much worse) !

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark”, came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”

Christian replied "No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy and I’ll not be tricked. "

Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.”

… Wait for it…

“I’ve seen Cod. I’m a prawn again Christian”

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Not especially pertaining to Sunday or religion but I saw this today and wondered how, after all my years on this earth, did I never see what this child saw, and I had to share it.

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Q. How do you make Holy Water?

A. Get regular water and boil the devil out of it.

Q. Who was the greatest female businessperson in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. (profit)

Q. Who is the shortest person in the Bible?
A. Bildad the Shuhite (shoe-height). Nehimiah (Knee-high-miah) was a close second.

Q. When was meat first mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.

Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.

Q. At what time of day was Adam created?
A. A little before Eve.

Q. Why did God create man before woman?
A. Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

Q. Where is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using “fowl” language.

Q: Where is medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
A: When God gave Moses two tablets.

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Ok, I don’t know where that KFC thing came from, but I saw it on WhatsApp like two days ago. It’s hilarious :joy::joy::joy::joy:

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Take it back… Take it back…

I can’t “un-see” the little body. The tie is completely gone. :roll_eyes:

If this is becoming a “thing” in the public consciousness, KFC should capitalize by making one of those huge-headed mascots (like the ones used for 7th Inning Stretch Baseball Game races):

Only, he should be in a black suit (all due respect to his white suit and black tie - which started this whole thing!) :joy:

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